July 26, 2018

Food That Satisfies

As I took that next bite, I looked at the people in the room. This tiny room, that could fit more people than I thought, was filled with chatter and liveliness. People eating together, savoring food and stories, sharing in the sacred moments of peace, prayer, purpose, power, and presence.

We have numerous stories placing Jesus at the table during those long days of investing in his disciples. Food gathers people, like the life-giving food of God gathers people who hunger for something satisfying, something more nourishing than what the world offers. As we are discipling young people here in Bucharest, we discover that food and drinks open mouths, but also hearts.

Bogdan and I are national missionaries serving in our beloved Romania, where food used to be scarce, controlled, and intentionally portioned to nourish minimally during the harsh communist regime that enslaved our nation. I remember it: the few empty stores, the long queues of people waiting for the morning to come in hopes of receiving the much-desired milk or the dreamy oranges. The hope may not have been fulfilled. The stocks may have been too small. Everything was kept to the lowest limit of life. It was not about sufficiency. It was not about satisfaction. It was about survival.

The country that we are serving in, not even 30 years later, now offers satisfaction. You can find your heart’s desire, in all tastes, flavors, shapes, colors, and textures. The bananas and oranges, with their little brand stickers that I used to keep in my Bible as a treasure, are readily available at every corner. You can now easily fill your stomach with food that satisfies.

We Need Spiritual Food

It is not so with food for the soul. Each day, when I walk or take the subway around the city, I see them—with their eyes glued to their little screens, parents with their children not talking, teenagers rushing from school and their classmates to connect online where it feels easier to say hi. Their eyes are not lively, their burdens are not lifted. Their loneliness is masked, their laughter is too often faked, their goodbyes are without emotion. There’s a pursuit of money, of career, of status, of popularity, of pleasure, of comfort that may be exhilarating at first, like a big bowl of jello is, but then it leaves them unnourished, empty, and undone.

As we spend time with our young people, sharing our simple home and food with them, they share their lives with us, giving us the holy and humbling honor of sharing the good news of Jesus with them. He offers life and gives satisfaction that is lasting, his love is inviting, his grace is sufficient, his forgiveness is restoring, his peace is steady. And when they find him —in that wound opened years ago, in that fight with a friend, in that heartache, in that fear of the future, in that lie that keeps them in bondage— they leave transformed, touched by grace, by hope, by beauty; by the Redeemer, by the Father.

And so do we! We’re also transformed, as we spend time sharing our lives and food (both physical and spiritual) with them. The lessons we learn are more precious treasures than the little fruit stickers that I once had in my Bible. They stick to my heart.

Starving People Can Refuse Nourishment

What happens when the response is not “give me more”? What happens when you serve people food and your life and they refuse to share theirs, they refuse love and the Love? It is heartbreaking. It is disappointing. It is burdensome. I am reminded of the words of my mother who always told me that appetite is a sign of health. I’ve seen little hungry kids in Romania playing with food rather than eating it. Sometimes you have it available and you don’t know what to do with it. As a first reaction, you want to not ever give them food again. But isn’t this nourishment what they need most? I am learning that the more a young one is refusing the love of Jesus who pursues them with his satisfaction, the more they need it, the more they need us to go towards them, the more we need to be full and satisfied so that there is not room for discouragement that stops, only for Love that goes, seeks, and saves.

God Uses Little People and Places

As we are encouraging and empowering our young people to do the same, to be missionaries of Jesus in their everyday life to the relationships and places where we cannot and should not be, we are learning that God can use little people and places to have big impact. We are the living proof. They are the living proof. We see it in Jesus’ life. We see it in the disciples’ lives. Jesus could have been everywhere, healing everybody, sharing the good news of the Kingdom with everyone, yet he chose to limit himself in order to empower, equip, and send. When we serve food, we need others, whether we are aware of it or not.

By my natural structure, I would rather do it all, from the setting of the table to the final cleaning (ok, except for the grocery shopping, because Bogdan does a much better job). Sometimes it seems easier to do it all by myself. But there’s so much beauty, life, and lifting of the burden in sharing the cooking, in passing the plate from one to the other, in taking turns cleaning. During this last year, I’ve seen young men and women grow from being confused to being confident in their identity in Christ, from being fearful to being filled with bold faith, from believing lies to letting the truth grow deep roots in their lives. This is the power of the gospel! It nourishes the most starving of souls.

As I am taking bite after bite, sharing in this sacred moment, I am reminded of another most sacred moment, when Jesus was around the table with his disciples in that upper room, sharing food and his mission with them. Now, he is here with us. At our little table in the upper room of an apartment in Bucharest.

As you are sitting down for your next meal, whether it is at your desk, with a pile of work waiting to be solved by the end of the day, or with a bunch of messy mouths crying for more, take a moment to ask Jesus to fill up your soul. Who does he want you to share food with the next time you take a bite?

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Transitions are often some of the most vulnerable times in our lives. This is especially true for young kids, who developmentally can’t yet imagine the future and what it could potentially look like. Change comes rushing in like a summer storm, having the potential of bringing with it either nourishment or chaos. How can we support young kids during transitions so that they are nourished by the rain, rather than left soaked and chilled? Tips and Resources collected by Claire Patty, Sarah Robertson, and Trisha Wynn. Focus: Ages 2-6  1) Support Healthy Attachment Focus on helping your kids feel “Safe, Seen, Soothed, Secure” – I recommend reading “The Power of Showing Up” by Siegel and Bryson – see “refrigerator sheet” about these four S’s here Incorporate more nurture into each day with your kids – hugs, closeness, snuggles, holding them, etc. Due to the regressive tendencies of kids in transition, they may at times need more “babying” during this time, and that is ok. 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Focus on the BIG play – running, wrestling with dad, sliding down the stairs on mattresses or pillows, big yoga balls, anything outside, trampoline, etc. – this is a way to get out not only energy but emotions too. 3) Talk About Expectations Give them real pictures of what the future could look like. One way you can do this is through “doll/stuffed animal role play”. With the help of stuffed animals, act out a future situation that your child is anxious about, e.g. the first day of a new school. Start by naming the stuffed animal after your child – they’ll think this is silly! Walk through the event moment by moment and include details that will definitely happen (e.g.”Hannah” walks into the coat room, takes off her shoes, hugs mommy, and walks into her classroom”). Make it realistic, but also fun and playful. End the story with the reunion of the child with her mommy or daddy. Try keeping a family calendar. A wall calendar is best—something that the kids can see on the wall, even if they can’t read it yet. Talk through it once a week or every day, so that kids know how many days it’s going to be until something happens. If you’d like to, you can also put stickers on this calendar or draw pictures that represent different things, e.g. a sticker for “visitors”, a sticker for “travel”, a sticker for “going to the park”. 4) Practice Empathy and Forgiveness Look into your child’s eyes and notice their body language for clues to what emotions they could be experiencing. After you’ve noticed what your child might be feeling, put the feeling word into a short response, generally beginning with “you,” (“you seem sad,” or “you’re really mad at me right now”). This empathy, along with a soft tone of voice, will help them feel seen and often calms their minds, so that you can then talk together about what’s going on under the surface. When our kids come home from preschool or any time that we as parents were not with them, it can help to consider what they experienced when they were away from us. Did they feel out of control? Were others unkind to them? Were they told “no” most of the time? Did they not understand the language spoken throughout the day? Did they miss us and now need our attention? Sometimes their emotions, impulsive behavior, or disobedience can be influenced by what happened during their day. Considering this can help us respond with compassion and gentleness. Make it a common practice to say “I’m sorry” and ask for forgiveness from your kids,  especially during a time of transition. Acknowledge the “yuck” with them, especially if we, as parents, are creating the source of yuck due to our own stress. Give them 30-second bursts of your undivided attention. If you are on a call, say, “Can you hang on for 30 seconds? I’ll be right back.” Put the phone aside, bend down, and give your child undivided, focused attention for 30 seconds; then say, “I have to finish talking to ______.” Stand back up and continue talking with your friend. (Resources from Sue C. Bratton, Garry L. Landreth, Theresa Kellam, and Sandra R. Blackard.) 5) Process Emotions and Experiences Together One way to process emotions is to have a family tradition at the dinner table to share “highs and lows” of the day. A song would help younger kids! See here for a great song to sing for processing the highs and lows of the day. Have a story time each day – at dinner or bedtime, ask questions such as: what did you do today that was new? What was stressful? What was funny? What are you thankful for today? How did you feel when that happened? Who was kind to you today? Etc. Talk about emotions each day – you can use emotions charts like these ones: – boys’ emotions chart or girls’ emotions chart. (Laminate it, and you can use the same one over and over again.) 6) Give Your Kids Opportunities to Develop Agency  Agency is the ability for kids to make choices and decisions that influence their surroundings and events. It is the ability to act and see the influence of those choices on the world around them—the capacity to act. TCKs spend a lot of their lives adapting to what is happening to them. This can become a strength, but it can also cause them to feel like victims of their circumstances. Whenever it’s wise and safe, give your kids a choice—this promotes their sense of self, their confidence, and, ultimately, their agency and resilience. Below are two examples of how you can encourage agency. In both examples, the word “choose” is important for the kids to hear:  Giving a choice to obey or to experience consequences – you can choose to clean up your toys now (obedience) or you can choose to have these toys taken away for the day (consequence). Another example: Sam, I see you’re sad that we have to leave the park. Staying at the park longer isn’t one of the choices right now. You can choose to go down the slide one last time at the park before we leave (or any other option you feel comfortable with, e.g. you can choose to walk to the car, etc.) or you can choose for me to carry you to the car. Which do you choose?” (Pause—Sam says nothing.) “If you choose not to choose, you’re choosing for me to choose for you.” (Pause. Sam is quiet.) “I can tell that was a hard decision—I see you’ve chosen for me to choose for you.” (Example adapted from Sue C. Bratton, Garry L. Landreth, Theresa Kellam, and Sandra R. Blackard.) Giving choice for what to participate in – “You can choose—Daddy is going to the store, and I am going to stay home and talk with our new friend Sara. Would you like to go with Daddy or stay home with me?”, or “We can go to the playground and play with some new friends from church or we can go to the playground and you don’t need to talk to anyone new. What would you like to choose?” 7) Take Care of Yourself and Pray! Probably the biggest influencing factor on kids’ stress levels is their parents’ stress levels. Transition is a big deal. Be gentle with yourself! Take prayer walks to refresh your soul, make time for extra sleep, get some alone time here and there, eat meals with lots of fruits, vegetables, and proteins, and take a generally slower pace for the early days or months of transition. If you are calm and relaxed, that will make a big difference for your little kids. Bring your own worries and fears to the Lord in prayer, and invite your kids to join you in honesty before God. You can even pray something like this, “Father, I get scared sometimes too about all the things that are new right now. I thank you that you see us, and you are close.” Extra tips from Trisha Wynn: From my experience, Mondays (or any day back to routine after a conference or retreat or weekend) were extra hard on the kids. Our kids would have their biggest rebellions and total meltdowns going into their preschool on Mondays, right after we had been away from home, or when we had been out of our routine. It was helpful when I finally realized that it took them a few days (not just an afternoon or one day) to “recover” from a retreat or even a vacation. Also, after a home assignment or a conference, there would be sleep regression or potty training regression. You have to give them and yourself a boatload of grace and remember that it will get better!! I was taking my kids to cafes before they could walk, and it’s still a thing for us. It’s one-on-one time, and it’s a place where they are guaranteed a “special” treat. We found the one place in town that had “American” donuts, cake pops, fancy hot chocolate, or even a Coke because we rarely have that at home. So maybe putting a name to that special time makes it stand out for the kids too. We called it “Dude and Dad time” for years when my husband would take our son out. Nowadays I say, “Let’s go on a date!” That equals a special food treat and playing cards at a coffee shop with me. That helps us stay connected and close, in the middle of whatever is going on. Some kids’ books that might be helpful: TCKs: “Swirly” by Sara Saunders “I Know Here” and “From There to Here” by Laurel Croza “A Fish Out of Water” by Hannah Flatman Emotions: “The Color Monster” by Anna Llenas “The Rabbit Listened” by Cori Doerrfeld “Ruby’s Worry” by Percival Rom “My Monster and Me” by Nadiya Hussain Supporting TCKs during the transition of Home Assignment: “Five Ways to Care for Missionary Kids on Home Assignment” by Claire Patty